14 Years of Living with MS: The start of a different chapter

Fourteen years. It feels strange writing that because, in some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago, and in others I can still picture that day so clearly.

I was 18 years old. I'd received my A-level results that morning and was looking forward to going out with my friends that evening. I was convinced my MRI results were going to confirm a trapped nerve and that I'd be told the feeling in my leg would come back with a bit of time.

The reality was very different. As soon as I stepped into the consultant's office, I could sense it wasn't good news. We sat down, my parents beside me, and we were told that my MRI had shown lesions on my brain and spinal cord, indicating that I had Multiple Sclerosis.

After that, I don't remember much of what was said. I just sat there while the consultant talked, but I wasn't really taking anything in. Then it was time to leave. I remember holding on to my parents as we walked out because I didn't trust my legs to carry me.

The rest of the day was surreal. My best friend came over and we got ready to go out as we'd planned. I told her about my diagnosis, but I think we spent the whole evening in complete denial. I was determined to feel normal because I assumed my future was going to be anything but.

We even went to another friend's house beforehand, whose mum had MS. I remember poking my head around the living room door, chatting to her for a couple of minutes as if nothing had happened, then carrying on with our evening. Looking back now, it seems bizarre, but at the time I think denial was the only way I knew how to cope. I just kept thinking, "It can't be true. I feel fine, and people with MS end up in wheelchairs, so they've got to have made a mistake."

The following few weeks were spent preparing to go to university, with a couple more hospital appointments thrown in. I'd studied my A-levels in the Middle East, and my parents and younger brother were still living there, so moving to university meant returning to the UK on my own with the weight of a life-changing diagnosis on my shoulders.

We talked through a few different options. Should I defer university? Should my mum and brother move back to the UK with me? I chose to move back on my own, everyone was telling me how brave I was but looking back now, I don't think I was being brave. I was just 18 years old and desperately wanted my life to carry on as I'd imagined it. University was something I'd worked towards for years, and I wasn't ready to let go of that because of a diagnosis I barely understood.

Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified. Terrified of being away from my family. Terrified that I was going to deteriorate rapidly. Terrified that I'd struggle to make friends at university.

But underneath all of that fear, I knew I couldn't give up. Giving up felt like giving in, and I wasn't ready to do that.

Fourteen years later, my life looks very different from what I imagined sitting in that consultant's office. It hasn't always been easy. I've had relapses, changed treatments more than once, struggled with my confidence and had periods where my mental health has taken a knock. But I've also built a career I love, found a brilliant support network and learnt far more about myself than I ever expected to.

This blog is something I've been thinking about writing for a long time. I'd like to share some of the parts of living with MS that don't always get talked about. Some posts will be about treatment, others about teaching, relationships, wellbeing, confidence and all the little things that MS quietly influences without taking centre stage.

If you're reading this because you've recently been diagnosed, I hope one day you'll look back, just as I am now, and realise that your diagnosis was the start of a different chapter, not the end of the story.

And if you've been living with MS for years, I hope some of these blogs remind you that you're not navigating it alone.

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